in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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