first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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