don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I did not marry a roomba.
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