I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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