All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
