look no pants
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
