Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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