my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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