I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
