My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
