if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
