I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
