wakey wakey hands off snakey
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
