i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
