Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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