I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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