Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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