Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
