I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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