it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
