How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
