She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
