Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
