yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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