I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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