just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im about as happy as oj after his trial
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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