My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need to calm my uterus...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
