but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize