I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
