your parents love me but you hate me
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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