At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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