Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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