I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
