in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
