i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You don't make any sense
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