And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
