Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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