just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
