I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
