I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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