My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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