Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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