Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
