farters have to be the big spoon...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i think i just lost a toe
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
