Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
