i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize