also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
