I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
