Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
