Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
