in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
