we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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