im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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