When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
